How Do I Talk to My Kids About the Death of a Loved One?
Editor’s Note: We recognize that walking through grief with your children is a sensitive process with many complicated layers. In addition to seeking the input of a trusted counselor or pastor who knows your individual situation, you may find this podcast interview with Tim Challies helpful. For additional resources, visit our Suffering & Loss page.
The first time my oldest daughter asked about death, she was three years old. We had miscarried and she was devastated. Did the baby die? Where is the baby now? What is heaven like? Can I send the baby my toys?
Since then, death has continued to come up in a variety of ways for our children (we now have four girls). The death of great-grandparents, the death of pets, and even a cancer diagnosis for one of our daughters (where death was graciously avoided but was a looming reality for months). In each scenario, my husband and I were trying to process death (or the possibility of it) at the same time as our children. We were grieving too. Our emotions were high. We had our own questions and, sometimes, our own doubts. How were we supposed to help our children navigate deep, theological questions about death and dying while we were processing those same questions ourselves?
I am not going to pretend to have this all sorted out. We have not always navigated this well. But after many years and conversations about death with my young children, I have learned a few things:
We can think about death before our kids ask about it.
When we are preparing for parenthood, we read about potty training, vaccines, and discipline strategies. But very few parenting books help walk us through telling a child that their grandparent suddenly died.
We need a solid theology of death to prepare us for answering our kids’ questions in truthful, biblical, and age-appropriate ways. Otherwise, we can default to making things up to help them (or ourselves) feel better. Or maybe we avoid their questions and change the topic altogether.
The first option might inadvertently communicate that death is something to fear, and our kids’ questions are too big for God to handle. The second could imply that we as the parents can’t be trusted with hard things and that they should look elsewhere for answers.
So, it’s important that we spend time thinking about death. But we don’t have to be overwhelmed by that! Sometimes it’s okay (and even good) to tell our kids that we “don’t know” the answer.
We can show our kids that the Bible meets our questions.
God has promised that Scripture answers our deepest questions about life and death. It’s enough for us to understand salvation. It’s enough for us to live a life of godliness. What God chose to share through his Word is exactly what he knew we would need for life.[1] So, even though the Bible doesn’t give every detail about death and heaven, it does give us all we need to know for ourselves, and for calming our children’s fears.
When our kids ask us tough questions, let’s take out our Bibles and look for the answers together. Find out what Jesus says about going to prepare a place for us, in a city made of gold and jewels.[2] Read about how Jesus will wipe away our tears.[3] Examine God’s promises to give us new, resurrected bodies.[4]
And when our kids keep asking more questions that the Bible doesn’t specifically answer, we can humbly tell them: “I don’t know. But I trust that God loves us and that he has made heaven to be good and safe.” It is a blessing for our children to see us live out our faith—trusting in God’s good character and provision—even when we don’t have all the answers.
We can show our kids how to ask for help.
When our second daughter was diagnosed with cancer at the age of four, our girls asked if she was going to die. And we didn’t know. How were we supposed to answer their question in a comforting way? How were we supposed to demonstrate our trust in God when our hearts were simultaneously overwhelmed by fear?
There are times when our children’s questions about death are too overwhelming for us to answer on our own. And sometimes the best thing to do in the moment is to sit quietly with them, hold them, and cry with them. But there are also times when it can be helpful to ask for help from a trusted spiritual mentor or friend. When we reach out to a pastor or another shepherd figure, we are modeling to our children how to lean on the body of Christ and to be part of a healthy, Christian community.
Our pastor came to our hospital room and sat and talked to our girls with us. He was able to calmly answer their questions and point our whole family back to the truths of God’s unfailing love and perfect care.
It’s so important that we be plugged into gospel-centered churches. Churches that teach the reliability of Scripture. Churches that embrace hard questions. Churches that demonstrate a true reliance on our good Father and the good promises he has made to us in his Word.
God loves our children. He does not want them to live in fear. I am so thankful for the promises he has made to us in Scripture about what heaven will be like. I am thankful that God himself is bigger than our own doubts. And I am thankful that we don’t have to navigate these conversations alone.
May you know that God is working in you and through you to comfort your children. May you rest in the truth that Jesus loves you and your children. And may you trust that God will equip you for these hard conversations.
[1] 2 Timothy 3:16-17
[2] John 14:3; Revelation 21:18-21
[3] Revelation 21:3-5
[4] 1 Corinthians 15:35-49
