How Do You Feel About How Your Kids Feel?
My mom occasionally used to say that little kids are so adorable when they sleep that you could just eat them up. Then, when they wake up, you wish you had. Maybe you’ve never heard that particular joke before, but I imagine many of us can relate to the core sentiment it expresses: parents can feel a very wide and strong range of emotions about their kids.
As both a counselor and a parent, I’ve observed that moms and dads feel strongly about many aspects of their children’s lives, but one of the things we feel strongest about is our children’s feelings. Their happiness, sadness, anger, or amusement (and so on) have an amazing power to trigger joy, anxiety, frustration, or hope (and so on) in us. That’s why the old saying that you’re only as happy as your saddest child is usually true.
What are some of the most common ways our children’s emotions provoke an emotional response in us? Many moms identify their kids’ anger and tantrums evoking an angry response in themselves. Upon closer examination, that anger is often accompanied by either hurt, anxiety, or both. Seeing sadness in our child is another common example—their little sorrows quickly become our own (though if we detect crocodile tears or pouting self-pity, we may actually respond with annoyance or even a loss of compassion instead). Their fears can elicit our fears (or excitement at a chance to give comfort), their boredom our irritation (or amusement that they could be bored in a room full of toys and a world full of screens), their hopes our contentment (or dismay at the immaturity those hopes embody). You get the idea.
There’s a good reason for us to feel strongly about our children’s feelings: we love our children. The Bible shows over and over that what we love will shape what we feel. Thus, for example, Samuel's mother Hannah deeply desires to be a mother and not be mocked by her husband's other wife, so she feels anguish because she is barren. Or take Esther - she cares about her family and people, so she feels deeply upset about Haman's plan to kill them, but she also cares about her own survival and thus feels great fear at the thought of risking her life by going to Xerxes when he hadn't called her to come. Or even take a simple vignette like the Syrophoenician woman who loves her child more than her own reputation and therefore advocates for Jesus to heal the child even at significant cost to her pride. The Bible is full of examples like these which demonstrate how our core commitments—you could also say our treasure, our loyalty, our cares, or even our worship—will direct the course of our feelings.
Bottom line, if we love our kids, we’ll care a lot about how they feel.
And that’s as it should be.
This means that we always learn something about our own hearts and what we’re really loving or treasuring when our kids’ emotions set off something emotional in us. When she shows kindness to a sibling or growth in patience, it speaks well of our love for her and the Lord if we feel happy about it. When his little tantrum comes at an inconvenient moment, our annoyance tells us that our desire to get our tasks done is dearer to us than the chance to disciple our child. When her squeals of joy impinge upon our chance to relax in peace and quiet, our emotions provide evidence for whose joy is more important to us, ours or hers (spoiler alert: given that humans are sinners and parents are humans, parents tend to prefer their own joy!). When we grieve with our child as he cries over a loss, our emotions not only show we care for him, but actually also become a significant expression of love and comfort as well.
All that to say, that when, as will often be the case, our emotions reveal that sin and disordered treasures still linger in our hearts, we need not despair! On the contrary, even our most selfish feelings and most embarrassing emotional responses to our kids are opportunities to run to the Lord for help. They’re open doors to bring him our hearts and grow into a deeper experience of the heart of Christ for our children. Our God does not stand grimly over us demanding that we feel rightly before we come to him. Instead, he says that part of trusting him is “pour[ing] out your heart” to him (Ps. 62:8) and bringing him our doubts [1], fears [2], temptations [3], and frustrations[4].
Ultimately, our great hope as parents is not that we’ll understand or handle our emotions perfectly. Instead, our deepest comfort is that we have a Father who perfectly understands our feelings…and feels deeply about them. He’s the One who knows our weakness, that we are dust, and it arouses his compassion.[5] He’s the One who sees our sorrows, and stores the tears they produce in his bottle as a precious offering.[6] The Lord himself knows us as his own little children, and he delights in developing in us a calmness of our spirit found in his lap, resting in the shelter of his embrace.[7]
[1] The book of Habakkuk
[2] 1 Peter 5:7
[3] Psalm 73:2-16
[4] Jonah 4:1-3
[5] Psalm 103:13-14
[6] Psalm 56:8
[7] Psalm 131:1-2
