Ep. 148 || Making Decisions: How to I Choose Wisely in Motherhood? Transcript
This transcript is edited for clarity.
Emily: Hey guys! Welcome back to another episode of Risen Motherhood. I’m Emily, here with Laura.
Laura: Hey guys!
Emily: We can’t believe it’s the end of 2019. Well, it’s not like New Year’s is tomorrow, but we’re coming up on the end of a year of shows, ministry, and we had the exciting privilege of releasing the Risen Motherhood book this fall. It feels like it’s been a whirlwind. We want to give a really special thanks to those of you who’ve become ministry partners with us by donating to our ministry to help us encourage, equip, and challenge moms to apply the gospel to their everyday lives. Your donations are what helps us create this podcast, publish articles on our website, release the newsletter, and all the things we do at R|M. We’d love it if you’d consider joining us before the end of the year.
Laura: Your donation truly makes a difference in us continuing to push out this work, bringing the gospel to mothers all over the world. We’d love it if you’d partner with us. We also have a thing called the R|M Report that you receive if you join us at any level of giving. It’s an insider sneak peek! We hope you’ll join us, get on that list, and hear a little more about the work we’re doing and the stories God is writing in mothers all over the world.
So, let’s get to today’s show!
We’re talking about making decisions in motherhood. If you’ve been a mom—actually, the minute you get pregnant…[laughter]...you realize there are so many decisions that accompany motherhood. There are small things like: What kind of food I should make for lunch? Should I clean this or that part of the house? How should I do school pick up? There are the big decisions like: Should I take that job and move across the country? Should we change our schooling system? Should we get therapy for one of our children? There are so many decisions it can feel like motherhood is a game of whack-a-mole-decision-making.
Emily: It leaves us leaving weak and insecure. Most of us don’t love this feeling. We want to feel like we can confidently tackle each thing that lies before us. We’re the age of Google, the age of having information at our fingertips. It’s weird when we get decision-fatigue and feel consistently paralyzed in the small and big things. If you look back over our content at R|M, you’ll see we’ve tried to tackle a lot of these. We had a series on education. We’ve asked questions like: How many children should we have? How should we feed our families? We’ve done shows on discerning resources and birthday parties. We’ve run the gamut on big and small. But what we want to do today is to look at how we think about the decisions before us. How do we come to these conclusions when they’re coming at us a mile a minute?
Laura: Today, Emily and I are going to talk through our own processes. It’s a different kind of show than we normally do. We’re going to talk through how we make small decisions in motherhood, which fall in one category, and how we make larger decisions in motherhood, which fall in a different category. Of course there’s overlap in these two, but our hope is by talking through how we look at decisions, it’ll help you see there’s a lot of freedom in the end game but there are helpful guardrails in the process. They may help you feel more confidence and freedom as you make decisions.
So Emily, tell us: how do you make a small decision in motherhood? We’re talking about the little, everyday things.
Emily: I can’t guarantee they’re always wise, but I’ve noticed that because the small choices come at such a rapid fire pace, for the most part, I’m living very reactively. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, right? You almost can’t stop ourselves from doing that. We can’t labor over the decision about which type of cracker; we just have to act. I have to go back to my heart issues: what do I love? What am I worshipping, pursuing, and aiming my heart towards in that moment? That’s going to come out in the decision I make. Paul David Tripp has an example of a full cup of liquid that seems stable until you start to shake it. Then whatever’s inside sloshes out. I think that’s true of the small decisions. Whatever is going on in our hearts as all the choices come at us is going to slosh out. When I’m making a small decision and I want to do it wisely, I have to go back to what I worship—which is what we talk about at Risen Motherhood all the time.
For the practical side of it, I think about how my routine or schedule is already structured. Again, I’m going to react in my moment-by-moment choices based on the things I’ve already set up and structured. I’ve been reading an interesting book about self-control, the Bible, and brain science. They talk about how will-power and self-control are things that deplete over time, especially through the day. If you’re more tired, stressed, hungry, or you’ve had a conflict, it depletes your brain and your ability to make a wise choice. All of those things feed into our day-to-day reactions when we’re making decisions one at a time.
Laura: I remember one day when we had been traveling quite a bit and we were talking about a bigger decisions. We were a little snippy with one another, and then one of us said, “Why are we talking about this right now? We’re so tired! This is not the right time to make this decision.” I think that’s so helpful to remember. Emily and I’ve talked a lot about making decisions within your brain power, outside stress, if you got enough sleep—all of those things play into making wise decisions. So, like Emily said, what you’re putting in is what you’re getting out. Because that’s the well you’re drawing from. To build off of Emily, you can think about your intention with decisions and remember we’re walking by the Spirit at every moment of the day. We can resist the temptation to make an unwise choice or to say, “I’m not going to make this decision right now.” We can also ask ourselves, “What would reflect an obedient heart in this moment? Not what I want to do in this moment but what God asks of me in this moment.” Those are two different things, but because we walk in the Spirit, we’re in the Word, we’re praying, and we’re filling ourselves up with the things of God, we can actually change from our natural reaction to something more obedient or holy. We can start over in a sense. We have a show on that called, “A Bad Moment Doesn’t Make a Bad Day.” I finally learned just because I made one bad decision doesn’t mean my whole day falls apart. Sometimes I’ll think, “I don’t care about any of my decisions. We’re all just going to watch TV and eat popcorn all day.” [Laugher] In Christ, that isn’t your reality. It’s great remembering God always offers an opportunity to start over. That hymn, “I Need Thee Every Hour,” is one I find myself singing all the time, because I need God and I need him in this moment, and the next, and every moment. Remembering God offers a way out and forward in every decision is a great promise to rely on.
Emily: What’s really interesting about these everyday small choices is, in some ways, there’s a lot of flexibility. In some ways, they don’t always have to be perfect for the good ones to add up over a long period of time. It can take the pressure off from having to make a perfect decision every time. On the flipside, we know our everyday small moments matter. If we go day after day not doing what we intend to do, but just living a pure reactionary life to what we’re feeling in that moment or we’re not considering our heart and turning from sin and to God, or relying on him. That becomes our life! And we can’t really get away from that reality. It’s an interesting paradox that we live in every day.
Laura: I would add, sometimes we’re going to make bad decisions and sometimes we’re going to make good decisions—and making wise decisions does matter. But I think as a mom, that’s perhaps where the gospel has become most sweet to me is where I have “failed” in those small decisions is where I’m super annoyed with myself. “Oh I didn’t get the right jeans because they get holes since my son loves to kneel.” “I focused on the wrong therapy for my daughter.” or maybe, I had a scheduling conflict. I just get frustrated with my limits, that I failed.
But that’s where the gospel shines so bright. Remembering our tendency is to often think too highly of ourselves. “I’m so awesome, so great.” Or too lowly of ourselves. “I am just the worst, I’m not worth anything. But the good news is that our identity, value and worth is not tied up in our ability to make the best decisions perfectly every single time—Jesus came and did that for us. Our value is rooted in a constant, it’s in Christ, because we are made in God’s image. And now we’re seen as daughters of the King, no matter what decision we make. Just a quick plug if you’re kicking yourself for making a decision that you think “I should have gotten that right or done that better.” Just know hose failures are moments for you to confess, repent, and turn back to God and just rest in the grace that he’s given. That your value isn’t wrapped up in the decision you made. Now you can continue down the path of desiring and trying to live a faithful life, not because you think you have to get it all right, but because you love Jesus and want to glorify him.
Emily: Yeah the reality is we walk by faith and not by sight. We don’t know the outcome of all our decisions so for those of us who want to look down all the chain reactions (Like I do) we have to realize that we make our decisions and we trust the Lord and we do the best we can to follow him. He’s sovereign and in control no matter what. I like the part in 1 Cor 10 where Paul says, “All things are permissible for me, but not all things are beneficial.” Then at the end of that passage he talks about doing everything with giving thanks to God and giving him glory for all that we do. I feel like no matter what small decision we make we can go forward with that posture and say, “You know God I don’t know if this is the right thing to do at this moment, but I’m going to trust you, and I’m gonna walk by faith and I believe that you’re going to continue to lead me in your paths as I seek you.”
Okay, well that was a summary of small decisions in motherhood, so now let’s talk about how we make the bigger decisions in motherhood.
Laura: I think for me when I make bigger decisions—things like: should we move, what school should we choose? What are some others?
Emily: How much to work outside the home?
Laura: Should i start a business? Should I make that investment?
Emily: Where should I go to church?
Laura: Okay, so there’s some good examples for you.So when I’m processing that, the first thing is understanding God’s design for my life and his purposes for me as a mom. So this is understanding the framework of the gospel—what we talk about on every show— Creation, Fall Redemption, Consummation. Also talking with my husband and being on the same page as him. The counsel of others or the influence of those who are at my church or my in-laws. Lastly, the biggest key is coming humbly to the situation with a teachable spirit and an open hand, remembering the “right” answer or best choice isn’t always the one we want or the most fun one.
So to start with, the framework of the gospel, this is understanding there is a design to our life, God created the world in a certain way, but because of the fall it’s difficult to live out that realty. It drills down to that question - what is God’s purpose for my life? What is his will? We know it’s the greatest commandment, to love God and others. And then to go and make disciples. That includes our children and others. This is where I have to stop and consider. “What are the resources, gifts and talents that God has given me and how can I use them to give God glory and advance his mission and goals.” We had a great show this year by Karen Hodge that talks about stewarding gifts and it started with talking about children, but of course it bleed into mothers and how we steward our own gifts. But in all of these things, understanding that overarching purpose is important. Understanding if what I’m wanting to do, does that allow me to fufil that purpose that God has laid out? A key thing for me ahs been to ask, “Not, will this make me happy or be so fun?” But the best question to ask is, “Will this make me more holy or more like Christ?”
There’s a quote by Elizabeth Elliot where she says, “God will never protect you from what will make you more Christlike.” And wow, that was so good! A lot of the big decisions we make are often not super glamorous or fun. I think it can be good to have that framework in your mind as you begin to make a decision.
Emily: Going back to understanding the framework, topically that can be helpful as well. So if you and your husband are trying to make a decision about church, go back to the Bible and say, “Hey, how does the Bible discuss church? How does that inform the decision we make?” Or screen time or education—you can go back and listen to our shows on that—a lot of times we can find that higher level topical way to look at the word to see what God has to say.
Another thing is talking to our husbands and being on the same page. My husband has been a huge help to me as we both bring our different wisdom to the table, our different insights, we process differently, so we see different advantages or issues. I value being able to defer to my husband—and say, we both sat down, we both prayed, we both offered this and he has a preference so we’re going to go that way and I’m going to follow his leadership and see how God works in and through that. So that’s been a part of making big parenthood decisions as a unit.
Laura: My husband and I often land on, “Who has the stronger preference?” It sounds silly, but sometimes it’s helpful. We’re both saying, “Hey, I want to lay down my life for you and if this is something you really want and you think is really good, I want to honor that.” Honestly my husband doesn’t have a lot of preferences and often doesn't often speak up a ton in the small things. So when he does have a preference, I’m quick to honor that because I want him to feel respected and valued and that I see him as someone who can make wise decisions for our family. Honestly there’s a lot of freedom that comes when your husband makes the decision. I’m like “Oh thank goodness, I wasn’t really sure what to do. “ [laughter]
Emily: Yep/ I think we can experience freedom from when we ask wisdom from others that we trust and are wiser. Parents, inlaws, people in our church family—there are people who have walked a similar path to you. I know when we were exploring schooling choices, I sat down with several moms and asked them questions to learn what they did with their families. I brought that to the table when my husband and I were making our decision. We did the same thing when we started down the road of discipline, and all of that wisdom we brought to the table when it was time to make a decision for our own family.
Laura: Yeah. Lastly, I think one of the bigger revelations for me in big decision—because I’m the type that likes to know how things will turn out. I want to dabble my fingers into the figure and know where I’ll be five years from now. But I think we all know that life very rarely turns out as we plan, even when we say “I’m going to live in this house forever. I’m going to live in this town forever. My kids are never going to do this. Or they’re never going to do that.” More often than not, things change. So it’s been a good thing for me to come humbly to every situation with an open hand. To say, I’m going to make the best decision I can with the information I have in front of me today, but to also remember that more than likely things will change. It might not work out how I plan. I want to remain humble and teachable, to say, “I am not God and I cannot see the future.” We see this pattern all over the Bible, Noah, Moses, Abraham, Joseph, Mary, Paul. All God used in huge ways, but they took a humble posture before God. Doing things they didn’t understand or not knowing where they were going to end up, but they trusted him to take care of them. We have to remember to cry out to God all throughout the decision making process, small or big, we can be like the Psalmist, like the great people of the Bible, rehearsing who God is and what he’s done for his people, and trusting him to continue in that way and that we are playing a part of the grand story that he’s writing.
There’s this one Psalm I’d like to end with. Psalm 131 has been a huge comfort to me as I’ve planned for the future:
O Lord, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.
But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.
It’s a beautiful picture of the state of our hearts as we make decisions, big or small, we can rest in the promises of God just like a child on a mother’s lap.
Emily: Thanks for joining us guys, this is our last show of the season so we’ll be back in January with new episodes. If you’d like to contribute to RM head to risenmoterhood.com/give. Come find us on social media, @risenmotherhood on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!